Lars and the Hubcap

If you have ever read Liar's poker by Michael Lewis, you know that trading floors are predominantly a male domain.  Whenever there is a lull in the action, trading floors quickly devolve into testosterone fueled antics.  The crazier the pranks and antics, the better.  No one personifies the locker room atmosphere of the trading floor quite like my first boss as a trader, Lars.  Lars was one of the hardest working guys I have ever met.  He was also one of the craziest. 

As someone that had worked himself up from running tickets for other people, to running his own trading book, he knew just about everyone in the firm.  For that matter he had at one time worked with almost everyone in the firm.  There was one middle office guy in particular, we’ll call him Rico, that brought Lars particular joy.  The function of the middle office is to make sure that everything on the front lines, the trading floor, runs smoothly.  This entails checking out trade details with counterparties, calculating traders daily PnL (profit and loss) statements, and anything else that traders or salepeople may require.

Lars had hired Rico to work for him in the middle office, back when he ran it.  Lars bought Rico’s kids gifts on their birthdays.  He had attended Rico’s wedding.  They were very good friends, and they enjoyed making fun of each other the way only really good friends can.  Each day Lars and Rico would try to one up each other.  Lars would call Rico a spic and Rico would call Lars a dago.  Nothing was out of bounds.  Not wives, not race, nor sexual tendencies escaped them.  Each morning would start the same.  One or the other would pick up the phone (the middle office sat on a different floor) and the game was on.   

“Hi, is the spic in yet?  Please tell him to come up to the trading floor I have something under my desk  that I need him to take care of.”

“Hey is that greasy wop in yet?  Tell him I’m sorry I chipped his wife’s tooth last night.  I’ll be gentler tomorrow.”

“Hey spic, get up here.  There is a C and C party going on. 

What’s a C and C party?

Cock and Cake, but don’t worry we already ate all the cake.”

Lars even went so far as to take vacation photos just for Rico.  Once on a trip to Puerto Rico he saw a sign advertising Spic and Span.  He immediately pulled his car over and made his wife take his photo beneath the sign.  Upon returning to the office he proudly presented a framed photo to Rico, telling him that he really shouldn’t graffiti billboards like that.

For me though, the crème de la crème was Christmas 2000. Christmas on Wall Street before caps on gifts was a sight to behold, but that's a story for another day.   Anyway, it was and is quite common for the trading floor to give gifts to the people who have supported them all year.  Gifts of cash, wine, even iPods were common.  I knew that 2000 was going to be special, because when Lars walked into the office that Christmas Eve he had a big box and a gigantic smile on his face.  Over the intercom he called Rico up to the trading floor.  A few minutes later when he wandered across the floor, Lars presented him with the gift wrapped box and thanked him for all his hard work.  When Rico ripped open the box all that was inside was an old rusty hubcap!  The entire trading floor lost it.  It was one of the most inappropriate things I have ever seen and we loved it.  Rico was never able to top that one, but the antics continued for several more months.

Then the shocker came.  Rico quit the firm shortly after year-end bonuses to take a similar job at another firm.  He told us it was because the firm stiffed all the middle office guys on bonuses.  Rico made everyone believe he was leaving on his own terms and held no ill will towards anyone but the firm.  Well it was only a matter of days later that Rico filed a lawsuit against our firm, and Lars in particular, alleging discrimination.  It seemed that Rico was going to get his bonus out of the firm one way or another.  Lars was obviously quite shaken.  He was called before our legal council to tell his side of the story.  Under oath he had to explain among other things the hub cap and the spic and span photo.  Of course all the witnesses from the trading floor backed Lars’s story that it was a two way thing and was all in good fun, but the damage was done.  The firm settled with Rico out of court for an undisclosed amount.  While Rico was able to extract a small settlement from the firm, he had done real damage to one of his “best friends”.  Lars and Rico to my knowledge have never spoken since the day they sat across from each other, in a top floor conference room, with the rusty hubcap sitting between them.